Memoirs of a Young Woman with a Suitor

Memoirs of a Young Woman with a Suitor

If you're between 22 and 28 and still single, then your mom definitely wants you to get married.

And your hitched girlfriends would love for you to join the "married ladies" club.

And most of the people you know are trying to help you find your other half!

It all starts when your mom comes and tells you,
"Remember Tante Samya? She asked me about you today. She adores you and hopes that you and her son end up together!"

I felt like I was a nice tie that Tante Samya saw while shopping and thought to herself,
"I must buy this for Doudi [a nickname for Mohammad, Ahmed, or Mahmoud]. It will look amazing on him!"
Then a second later, your mom says,
"Make sure you come straight home from work tomorrow because we've invited Tante Samya and Doudi over for dinner, and please pass by the hairdresser’s beforehand"
Then she walks off, leaving no room for discussion.
She leaves you standing there quite confused as you try to understand the hidden meaning behind that last sentence.

Then you tell yourself it's just a dinner and it'll pass, and you don't object (as if you have the right to object anyway).

The next day, Tante Samya and Doudi arrive, and it's all hugs and kisses and laughter and jokes.

Doudi, poor thing, is sitting there looking like a lamb to the slaughter, unable to find anything to say.

After dinner, Tante Samya and your mom get up to discuss a “very secret topic” away from the kids!

You find yourself alone with Doudi, forced to start a conversation about anything because things have become really awkward. So, you talk about work and the weather.

The attempts at conversation falter, because they feel unnatural, affected, and fake.

Next day, as you're sitting at your desk at work, minding your own business, your phone rings and it’s Tante Samya!

She's chatty all throughout the phone call and jokes with you. Towards the end of the call, she turns the topic to Doudi.
 "I gave Doudi your number because he said he wanted to ask you about something related to work!"
Just as you're wondering whether these people are intentionally insulting your intelligence,
your mobile rings again. This time it's Doudi!

You answer politely, and it turns out he's asking about nothing in particular, then he tells you he'd like to take you out to dinner tomorrow.

You're cornered, so you tell him that you'll see and get back to him.
Then your mom is on the other line to tell you that you're going to that dinner, period!

Of course, you can try to argue till you’re hoarse,
but you know that what they want to happen will happen whether you like it or not!

You decide to save your breath and go.
So, it’s the next day and you’re having dinner with Doudi
(at the place Tante Samya probably chose and paid for with her credit card).

He's more comfortable and talkative than the first time.

The whole conversation revolves around how he is an amazing, one of a kind, super-duper suitor!

You go home totally fed up, wishing someone could give you back the two hours you just wasted.

Your mom greets you with a huge smile.
"So, tell me what happened. You look happy!"
"Happy? How do I look happy? What do I tell you, mama?”
 “Look, let’s just cut to the chase. This Doudi won't do, and I wish you'd tell Tante Samya to find him another tie—I mean, bride!"

Your mother won't be able to take the blow and will go complain to your dad about his daughter who wants to be a spinster.

The family calls for a meeting to talk some sense into you, because you're crazy for refusing Doudi.
The lecture starts: "You're not young anymore. You'll be a spinster. You practically are one already!"
And "Do you have issues? Is there someone else?"
Also, "Be reasonable, give it some thought, and stop this madness."

You get scared and their talk worries you. Am I really a spinster who'll spend her life alone?

Am I really unable to make the right choice?
Am I making a mistake?

You get so scared that you consider doing what they say, so that you don't make a mistake you’ll regret.

*Performed in:

BuSSy 2010 - Cairo

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