“You’re a failure.”
My father has always called me a “failure” ever since I was little.
I don’t remember when he started calling me that.
But he still does.

He’d change it up sometimes and say,
“You’re nothing.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You’re a failure.
You’re a nobody.”
“How will you ever succeed at anything if you’re not close to God?”
That’s my father’s favorite line.

Back then my father also used to say to me,
“Your siblings look up to you.”
“You should be a good example to your siblings.”
“You can’t do this, you can’t do that.”
“You have to get good grades and be top of your class.”
“You have to do this and that, because your siblings look up to you.”

He also used to tell me,
“I’ll kill you if you don’t pray.”
His voice would terrify me sometimes.
The way he talked and his reactions to things scared me.
I’m scared.
I’m scared of my father.

My father is the reason behind my mental health problems.
I’m always anticipating the moment,
When he’d lose his temper,
And take it out on me.
That’s when the physical damage is done.
It doesn’t happen very often,
But I’m always afraid of it.

I perform the five prayers with him just to please him.
But the things he says to me don’t change.
“You’re going to amount to nothing.”
His words insinuate that I’m an evil person.

“You have no manners.”
“You’re spoiled.”
I don’t remember the last time he smiled at me.
He has never apologized to me.

I’ve learned how to deal with this verbal abuse,
Except for being called a “failure.”
I still can’t get that out of my head,
But I’m trying.
It haunts me,
Even during moments of success.
It ruins the moment for me.