It all started 6 years ago, 6 goddam years.
I used to feel so tired and extremely deprived of any energy.
In 2012, I started experiencing back and neck pain, that's when I started doing physiotherapy session.
During my sessions, my physiotherapist and I discovered many other areas of my body that felt clogged and so stiff.
I was asked to run some tests and do a couple of MRIs only to my surprise that technically, during all my tests, everything turned out normal.

In 2015, I had an abortion and that's when everything started falling down.
Surprisingly, I had taken an appointment with my psychiatrist just before I knew I was pregnant, by chance. The journey began with taking antidepressants that made me feel at times way better but also at others, they couldn't really help.
My body pain didn't just go away and that's when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

What is it like to have Fibromyalgia? I'll tell you.

I feel like my brain is clogged up.
My limbs are heavy and every little action requires a great deal of effort.
My muscles are tired and shaky.
They're so weak.
When I try to walk, I feel like big piles of rocks are tied to my legs and arms.
It's like having the flu all the time combined with the feeling that someone physically beat you up with a baseball bat. And you’re expected to function normally.
It’s like every part of your body is bruised, but the bruises are invisible,
and sometimes you wish they were visible, because then, people might take you seriously.
It's like your skeleton is two sizes too big for the rest of your body, and each bone has been twisted in its place.
Your body is either too hot or too cold, never room temperature, and all the while you feel a severe burning sensation, stabs, electric shocks, and you feel like you’ve been beaten up with a baseball bat.

It is like being on a merry-go-round for as long as you can remember.
It’s like riding the world’s best, scariest, loopiest, full-of-all-kinds-of-twist-and-turns roller coaster over and over again without having actually gone on it.

Having fibromyalgia is like being on a balance beam.
It really does take its toll on you.
My pain level is driving me so far down that even my positive outlook is beginning to suffer.
I am so sick of being sick.
My only escape is sleep, but again, I feel as tired when I wake up as when I went to bed.

Exercise more, that’s what they say.
They have no idea how hard that is to do, when every movement makes you want to punch yourself from the amount of pain you're experiencing.
When you walk any distance at all, your spine feels as though it’s going to crumble and disintegrate.

Lose weight.
I try, I really do.
Without being able to be as active as you need to be, it’s a very hard thing to do.
I know my weight, which was put on after falling ill, makes it worse.
It makes my self-image worse too, which doesn’t help things at all.
I hate medication, but it seems to me it's my only escape for now.
Depression?
Sure, I struggle with depressive episodes, just like the one I'm experiencing right now. When there isn’t a single part of your body that doesn’t hurt all of the time, you might be depressed too.

The symptoms feed off each other, each one causing the others to worsen.
I try to stay positive.
There are better times when I can do more and enjoy more, but what do I do in the meantime?

I’m getting worn down, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I’m losing hope.
I must not let myself get like that.
I must always believe there is hope, but right now, at this period of my life, it's hard.
It's really hard.

I must hold onto the thought that this too shall pass.
I just hope it passes quickly.