I was at a cousin’s wedding.
The wedding was taking place in a garden overlooking the nile.
I was 10 years old.
I was taking a walk,
And behind me was a group of children who were no older than 8 years old.
I felt something in my behind,
But I didn’t know what was happening,
And I didn’t give it much thought.

I glanced behind me,
To look for my seat,
And found them laughing and pointing at me.
They were saying things I didn’t understand at the time.
I found out later on that they were talking about what they did to me,
And what they wanted to do to me.
I didn’t get it,
So I kept walking.

A long time after that,
My mother left me to babysit the cleaning lady’s daughter,
Who was around a year and a half old.
I took her to a park.
I had the urge to take her someplace where no one would see us,
Take off her clothes,
And touch her private parts.
I didn’t do anything.
But I was disgusted with myself.
How could I think about that?
I punished myself.
I kept wondering why I had such a thought.
The only convincing reason I could find at the time,
Was that there was a devil inside me.

I’ve been having these thoughts until recently,
But on a bigger scale.
It wasn’t just children anymore,
But my girl friends too,
Who were younger than me.
I’d look at their bodies.
I was always scared they’d notice.
I was so disgusted with myself,
That I isolated myself from them,
And stopped hanging out with them.
I used to punish myself,
And fall into depression,
Until someone I know told me to love myself.

I stayed for two weeks in my room with a pen and a paper,
Reading articles,
And jotting down my memories,
Until I arrived at that incident.
An incident that happened 17 years ago,
Turned my life into hell,
And filled it with hatred,
And self-loathing.