I come from a conservative, traditional, and somewhat wealthy, capitalist family.
They appreciate a woman’s right to an education and a career, but only under the supervision of the family.
When it comes to marriage, it must be with the total consensus and control of the family.
According to my family’s traditions, girls are not allowed to have boyfriends,
Or even interact with male colleagues, except in very specific circumstances.
They are not allowed to call me at home or go out with me in groups.
I believed in these rules during my first 2 years in college.
I later on discovered, however, that these rules were no logical and had nothing to do with religion, as my family used to claim.
You’re good only so long as you’re obeying the system, otherwise you’re not.
It’s the all or nothing law.
My father is a successful businessman, who has spent all his life working, surely to make a better life for us.
He never, however, had a strong relationship with my brother and I.
Mama is a typical housewife, concerned with making us look good and healthy.
But she is isolated from the outside world, is very traditional, and does not accept new ideas.
Bassam comes from a liberal family that accepts a person’s right to choose, supports whatever you do, and appreciates differences.
They’re a middle class family concerned with giving their kids the best education and support, in order to get good opportunities in the future.
They were never concerned with making money.
They cared more about raising their children with kindness and without being firm.
Bassam and I met in medical school.
We spent a year as just friends.
We found ourselves sharing many interests, especially cultural ones, but at the same time we were different.
I was conservative and hesitated to get closer to him, tied by those traditions that were embedded in my subconscious.
It was hard for me to face Bassam’s courage and continuous trials to break those chains.
After a year of knowing each other, during which we shared a lot of things and had many fights because of our differences, feelings started to develop.
We talked frankly, deciding to give ourselves a chance to see if we could overcome our differences and increase the number of things that brought us together.
Bassam told me everything about himself and his family.
He thought he might not be able to meet me my parents’ financial demands, such as a large apartment or a very expensive diamond ring.
He and his family couldn’t afford such things, but he said he would do his best to meet our basic needs.
He believed that we could start together and build a future together.
It’s what I always wished for: to marry a man who’s not wealthy and traditional.
Someone who would respect my ambition and career.
What I really found with him was safety and honesty.
I never felt like I was pretending or wondering what I should do or say to make him happy.
He simply loved me as I was and I loved him. . . without any masks, lies, or fear.
Immediately after graduation, Bassam proposed to me.
My parents refused.
They refused to even meet him because he was younger than me, not wealthy, and didn’t have a stable job, and we were planning to get married in 2 years.
My family were against engagements that lasted more than 6 months.
Above all, we were in love, and for my family that alone was reason enough to refuse.
I had many arguments with my family.
I felt it was my right to at least get engaged.
They could at least meet him first and then decide.
But they completely rejected the idea.
My father gave me a clear ultimatum: if I didn’t stop talking to Bassam, he would prevent me from continuing to work at the hospital.
My mother was hysterical, crying and screaming.
But Bassam and I stayed together, especially because his family was so supportive.
They believed we were adults and responsible for our own lives.
So we gave ourselves a year to start working in order to be financially independent.
Over the next 2 years, we both worked hard.
We became financially independent and able to make our own decisions.
Then we came to a point where we had to face my family.
I told them that I still wanted to be with Bassam, but this time I wanted nothing from them.
I could live alone and be independent and Bassam was now ready for marriage and wouldn’t take a single pound from them.
My family still resisted the idea and my brother who had been supportive at first, turned against me.
My extended family and my old friends acted the same way.
They believed that once my father said “no”, I must obey.
My college friends and a few cousins were the only ones who supported me.
One day, my father made a family member bring Bassam to his office.
That was a good start, I thought.
But my father had just brought Bassam in to insult him and make him feel foolish.
He was attacking everything Bassam said.
Bassam tried to explain how in love we were and how we could start together now without help from anybody.
My father still refused.
When I later told my father that this was not logical, and I asked him to just respect my choice, he refused again, considering my love to Bassam an insult to him.
During the discussion, my father tried to hit me.
My mother did hit me.
I decided to move out of my parents house, something I had been thinking about for a long time.
The next day, I left the house, and I stayed away for 6 months.
During those months, I was going through many trials with relatives to convince my family to just give Bassam a chance through an engagement period, and again they refused.
They considered my leaving home another insult and they decided they would accept me at home again only if I left Bassam.
Bassam was beside me all that time, and his family was supportive and kind.
After many efforts from my family members, I returned home, thinking that a solution would be discussed, but Bassam went to father again and he refused to even talk about the subject.
So, we made the decision to marry without them.
I spoke to a very important religious man (a mufti) and told him everything.
He told me that it was my right to choose even if my choice was wrong.
It was still my right, and he was ready to draw up my marriage contract himself.
Bassam and I started preparing for our wedding.
We rented a nice flat near my work and his family continued to support us.
Within a month, our home was completely ready.
We reserved a date to get married, and we told my parents to give them one last chance to provide their support..
Only at this point, after they discovered that we did everything on our own and didn’t need them financially, did they accept dealing with Bassam and his family.
I was trying to tell them the whole time that I loved them very much.
I only needed their love and kindness, not money or anything, but they never believed me.
Then they met Bassam and his family.
They made him sign agreements with large amounts of money, just to make him rethink choosing me, but he accepted all their conditions.
At this point they gave their approval, and we finally got married in an intimate party to the happiness of our friends and those who supported us and believed in us.
Bassam’s family was happy too, but my family acted like they were attending a funeral.
Finally I’d like to say that I truly love my family, and I know that this is the way they show their love for me.
But it was and still is my right to decide what to do with my life.
They have the right to share their opinion, but in the end it’s my right to decide.
I‘m still trying to keep in touch with them, even though they have not welcomed me.
But I won’t stop trying.