For the longest time, perhaps until after highschool, I thought all girls were like me.
Then I found out that not all of them were like me.
I didn’t understand what it meant. What’s the difference?
I would always avoid thinking about the incident.
Until a black cloud formed in my mind, engulfing the memory of this incident.

I don’t remember who it was.
No, I actually do remember but I don’t want to say who it was.
He convinced me that there was something wrong with me and with girls like me.
There was something wrong with us. Men don’t like us.
Because we become frigid once we’re married.

I grew up with this belief.
I slowly started to realize that something had been taken away from me.
And that this thing was important in sex.
As I grew up and developed more awareness,
I learned that sexual desire stemmed from the brain, not from the reproductive parts.
I figured out that I had been violated by this surgery.
I started to realize its effects on me.
But I could never shake off the feeling of being an incomplete human being,
And I felt undesirable.
I can never get rid of the pain I feel whenever the female reproductive organ is mentioned.
I find myself involuntarily closing my legs.
No one will ever come near here again.

I don’t remember the specific details.
I was enjoying the attention I was getting at home.
Male circumcision is widely celebrated, while female circumcision is celebrated discreetly.
People come to congratulate the family, which gives the child a sense of self-importance.
I thought it was normal.
I thought it was just like losing a baby tooth, getting a cold, or getting your ears pierced.
I enjoyed how they made me food and took care of me.
I feel guilty for enjoying the attention back then.
I feel guilty because I couldn’t help myself.
Because I didn’t say no.
I’m mad at myself for listening to them without even understanding what the whole thing was.

I remember going to the bathroom and trying to figure out what I had lost or gained.
I could never forgive them for cutting off a piece of me and throwing it in the garbage.