Why Am I Doing This?

Why is he treating me that way?
A question I never found an answer to.
His mood changes almost every day.

Whenever he feels that I’m attached to him through my actions or through wanting to be with him all the time,
He suddenly changes.
He gets distant and treats me badly, like I’m a burden.
But when I stop giving him any attention, he gets closer and stops disappearing.

I’m sure he knows how I feel.
But I never took any action,
Like not answering his phone calls or saying no to him.

Why am I doing this?
Perhaps this is the question I should be asking myself.
Today, I felt weird when we talked on the phone.
He was being weird.
His tone of voice was weird.
He was nonchalant and didn’t want to talk.
Perhaps it’s the expectations?

I was just worried about him.
I really missed him.
I wanted to keep talking to him, but he was cold and aggressive.
It made me sad and anxious.

She told me he’ll go back to his mean old ways.
And that I should get out of this whole thing.
I understand, but I don’t know how to do it.
I can’t do it. I can’t say no.
I know it’s hurting me, but I can’t say no.

He makes me feel insignificant and small most of the time.
He exhausts my energy.
I go home at the end of the day not knowing who I am.
I don’t want him, but I don’t know how to say no.

Feeling rejected and lacking control are the worst things he’s made me feel.
It’s become really harmful.
It scares me to think that his presence in my life is a manifestation of self-hatred.

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