No one ever told me not to cry
But for some reason, I knew crying was shameful.
So, basically if you cry, you're not a real man.

When I was young, I didn't like crying in front of anyone.
And that continues to be the case up until now.
I cry yes, but when I'm alone and don’t want anyone to see me.
I was the most troublesome of my siblings.
I got injured all the time and was in a cast too many times to count.
I was always told "you're undisciplined" and "you'll never accomplish anything,"
and that's unfortunately what got me into studying pharmacy,
because I did what they told me to.

It’s a major with high entry requirements,
and I had sworn I wouldn't go into medicine.
I really don't like school or studying.

"You're not like your siblings," I was told many times.
My siblings were good at school, and I was supposed to follow in their footsteps.
But I didn't want to be anything like them.

But I was told:
"You have to, you study with the same tutors they do."
"You have to get good grades like them."
I kept hearing "you're a failure."
And "If you get into med school, it'll be for your parents, not for you."

They were expecting me to end up in a private college.
They thought my grades wouldn't be good enough for me to get into a good public one.
For some reason, I turned out to be smart.
I ended up getting the highest grades out of all of my siblings.
I won the challenge.
but it was a challenge that people forced me to take,
and it didn't matter to me in the slightest.

After I passed and got into pharmacy school, things changed.
People started looking at me with more respect.
I don't know why.
I hate being called "a doctor."
Because once you're classified as one, you're no longer allowed to do many things.
"As a doctor, how can you do those things?"
They say that to anything that they see as wrong.
"You can't use such words when you're upset."
"You can't do drugs."
"You can't drink alcohol"
I don't know what being a doctor has to do with any of this.

Another really frustrating thing is that I'm suddenly expected to get married to a doctor just like me
Why?

What kind of love and chemistry is measured by high school grades?
What is this shit?

The title has become like a chronic disease with no cure.
One I now have to adjust my entire life to.

This title has become the foundation of my existence, not my life or personality.
I'm not a catch.
I'm not a good person.
and I'm not seen as respectable because of who I am.
It's the title that makes me all of those things.

The girl that I love hasn't even gotten her high school diploma yet.
I wish I was with her at school so I could be close to her,
So our families and friends would think that we're suitable for one another.

You can't imagine the amount of rejection I met when my friends found out about us.
I want us to be together, officially.
My family still doesn't know.

But even if they find out, and I was able to stand up to them,
She still gets told the most demeaning things.
and I can imagine the amount of things she's told because of our relationship.
She’s already subjected to a lot and will probably be subjected to more.

I was once told that they should be grateful that I settled for her.
But no, why should they be grateful?

I could be a terrible person.

What about me is special? I'm screwed up.

Why should they be grateful?
I'm the one who should be grateful.
I'm the one who needs her.
I really need her.
I love her.