Life is great.
Or is it pretending to be great?
I get mad at silly things,
And silly people,
But I let it go.
I’m happy I made Hassan furious in court.
He looked furious, ready to explode.
I was scared in court.
When the judge asked me why I wanted a divorce,
I said that I felt we were incompatible.
Hassan looks older than he is.
The trial was postponed,
But I’m happy that I made him furious today.
I was scared,
But I tried to ignore my fear.
My father was with me,
And he was happy to see me laughing.
I opened Facebook when I went home,
And found a friend request from him.
The audacity.
He thought I’d get cold feet.
A suitor asked for my hand in marriage,
But I turned him down.
He wants me to lie to his parents,
And tell them that I was never married before.
I refused, of course.
How could I even do that?
What about my daughter?
Why should I be the one to lie to his parents about being a divorcee,
When he too is a divorcee with two children.
I’ve known him for 7 years,
But when I talked to him about it,
I found out things about him that I didn’t know.
“We can be together without getting married,” he said.
I didn’t like that he saw me that way.
I didn’t do anything to prompt this.
Yes, I want to get married,
But I want an uncomplicated marriage.
My siblings at home have been treating me like a servant,
Ever since I got divorced.
“Does she have to do everything,
Just because she’s back?” my brother told them.
I wouldn’t be doing all these things in my own house.
I’d only be serving my husband and our child,
Not an entire family.
I used to do the laundry once every two weeks at my house.
I do it four times a week at my mama’s house.
I thought about killing myself.
What held me back was my daughter.
My siblings and I are always bickering.
I didn’t want my daughter to go to her father or one of my sisters,
Which is what stopped from doing it.
My parents make me feel like I’m a prostitute.
Where are you going?
Why are you late?
Baba doesn’t even let me tag along with my sister to visit my other sister.
He tells me, “she’s going with her husband. Who are you going with?”
It’s as if it’s my fault that I got a divorce.
My sister-in-law visited me on Friday,
Saying they wanted to make amends.
I told her what happened,
And that I can’t trust him anymore.
How could you trust someone,
Who looked at his sisters-in-law inappropriately?
“Okay, forget making amends.
How about an amicable divorce?”
That meant I’d forfeit all my rights,
And take 300 LE for alimony.
Baba said if he wants an amicable divorce,
He should pay the dowry,
And the 5000 LE he spent on his daughter.
If we were to lose the lawsuit,
We’d lose everything.
It’s enough that the divorce certificate would say that I divorced him.
I knew a long time ago that he was a piece of shit,
Who looked at his sister-in-law and my sister inappropriately,
But I didn’t think of getting a divorce then.
He treated me well.
He didn’t hit me.
He treated me with respect in front of people.
But he was disgusting.
He used to sleep with me when I was in a diabetic coma.
I’d regain consciousness to find myself soiled.
He’d say he was just trying to get me out of the coma.
I once pretended to be in a coma,
To find out what he was doing to me.
I wish I had never found out.
I kept vomiting and crying in the bathroom after.
I decided to leave him,
When my daughter couldn’t find something to eat one night.
She stood at the fridge, crying for food.
I’m not important.
He’s been starving me, ever since we got married.
I don’t even feel hungry anymore.
But I won’t let my daughter starve.
I was in such a bad state that day.
I decided to get a divorce the following day.