I’ve had a binge eating disorder ever since I was a child.
I only became aware of it,
And tried to do something about it,
When I was 21 years old.
I started gaining weight when I was 10.
I would visit a nutritionist every week,
And would go on a different diet every other day,
In addition to pills and medication.

My mother dismissed all my attempts,
At explaining to her that my problem was bigger than just food.
She thought I didn’t have enough willpower,
And I was being easy on myself,
And that I didn’t want to deprive myself of food for the sake of losing weight.
My mother takes very good care of her physique and what she eats.
When she feels like she ate too much,
She throws up the food.

It happened several times when I was 16.
We’d be at a family gathering,
And all of us would be eating together,
When she’d take away my plate in front of everyone and whisper to me,
“Enough eating.”
As if no one would hear or see her.

She also tried locking the refrigerator door several times before she’d go to sleep,
So I wouldn’t eat at night.
I tried talking to her a lot,
About how it wasn’t about willpower,
And how seeking therapy was essential now,
But we’d still fight with every doctor visit.

There are also her daily comments: “When are you going to lose weight?”
As if I should set a specific date for it.
And the snarky comments from a lot of people.

I’m now trying to silence my mother’s and people’s voices in my head,
And understand that the things they say,
Don’t necessarily represent me.