Ever since I was little,
I’ve always had “bad” hair.
It truly is bad hair.
It’s not curly.
It’s thin at the front,
And short and frizzy.
Mama did everything to make it a little straighter,
Or less frizzy,
But to no avail.
I had no other option than to put it up in a bun all the time,
At least while I was at school.

But it was still always frizzy at the front.
One teacher,
Whom I remember till this day,
Literally once told me:
“I can’t help but laugh every time I look at you,”
And he pointed at my hair.
This happened, of course,
In front of all of my friends.
Everyone laughed at how my hair looked.
I was in the 9th grade at the time,
Not a child at all.

I kept thinking about wearing the hijab,
So I could hide my hair,
Not because I believed I would look better with it on,
Or because, as some say,
It’s something Muslim women have to do.
All I wanted was to hide my hair,
And dress in loose-fitting clothing,
Because I wasn’t nice and thin,
according to societal beauty standards,
But that’s not my issue right now.

I started wearing the hijab,
And my mother like any typical Egyptian mother,
Told me that if I was going to start wearing it,
Then I wasn’t allowed to take it off.
And because I couldn’t stand how I looked at the time,
I said okay.
Ten years went by,
And with each passing year,
I grew less and less attached to it.
I felt like it wasn’t me.
I didn’t even pray,
So what was I wearing it for?
Then I thought it had nothing to do with it.
There are girls who don’t wear the hijab,
And they’re closer to God than those who do.

I thought more of taking it off,
Than of why I put it on in the first place.
The older I get,
And the more I accept myself and the way I look,
The less attached to it I become.
I feel like the person wearing the hijab is not me.
I feel like it’s glued on me,
And I can’t get it off.

Of course, many have asked me why I was more afraid of what people would say than of God.

And to tell the truth,
I am scared.
I’m scared of the people who made fun of me growing up,
Who made me hate myself,
And who ruined my self-confidence,
Which I’m still struggling to get back.
I’m not scared of God,
Because He knows my intentions,
And He knows everything going on inside me.
But people, on the other hand, don’t know,
And they don’t realize that my reasons for wanting to take it off are mine and mine alone.