“My daughter is manly”
The phrase my mother has always repeated with pride,
Ever since I was a child.
I had one brother.
We were like twins.
I was always the impulsive one who’d get into fights,
And defend my brother.
Instead of scolding me,
My mother found pride in it.

My problem started in high school,
When I was afraid to show any signs of my femininity.
I started wearing clothes that made me look like I was 50 years old,
And tried to pretend that I didn’t care one bit about my appearance.
That was until they found out I was in love with a boy in class.
It was a huge disaster.
I got beaten and humiliated.
How could I love a boy?

There are a lot of stories to tell.
I’ll never forget when I got engaged,
My mama told my mother-in-law,
“My daughter has always been manly.”
Can you imagine the amount of relationships I got myself into,
Just to feel that I was a desirable woman,
Not a man?

My weight issues were a whole other thing.
I was fat,
And was under tremendous pressure to lose weight,
Because “no one would look at me.”
Can you imagine the combination of being seen as manly and being fat?
Years of insecurities and putting myself down,
Haunted by the idea that no one would ever be interested in me.

I managed to get over all of this, the hard way.
I still find it difficult to get into a relationship,
Because I refuse for someone to make me feel—even for a second—
That I’m unworthy,
For any reason.

I have a feeling that my mother doesn’t like that I’m self-confident now,
Even though I’m fat.
I feel she doesn’t like that I dress in colors suitable for my age,
And that I got a divorce,
And that I interact with men, without acting manly.
I still keep my boundaries.
It feels like she’s punishing me,
Because of an image of me she made up in her head.
She’s upset that I destroyed her image of me,
That I don’t act manly anymore.
That I act more like myself now.