I got married when I was 31 years old.
We hadn’t met before.
It was an arranged marriage.
He was divorced and had 3 kids with his ex-wife.
The wedding day was weird.
At the hairdresser’s, I called him to pick me up.
“Wait, today’s the wedding?” he asked.
He didn't pay the hairdresser when he came.
I had to borrow money to pay the bill.
We went to get photographed and my veil fell off.
And I forgot my hand fan.
And the car we were in broke down.

“Look girl, take my advice,” his sister said the night of the wedding.
“Don’t get pregnant right away.”
As soon as we got home, he went straight to the bedroom and took off his clothes
He sat on the bed in his undershirt and underwear.
I forced him out and locked myself in the room.
He kept banging on the door, telling me to open up.
“I don’t change in front of my own mother. What makes you think I’ll change in front of you?”
He forced himself in.

Afterward, I couldn’t find the virginity cloth.
He brought me a piece of white fabric instead
When I got pregnant, he asked who the father was.
What on earth?! How do you not know?
“Just because your first wife cheated on you with your friend doesn't mean I’m a cheater too.”
I was distraught and screaming.
Was he implying I slept with someone else?
“I married only you and slept with only you!”

He would beat me up over the stupidest things.
One time, when I was pregnant—before I knew I was pregnant—I was cold and shivering.
This was right in the middle of summer. In July.
I wrapped myself in a blanket and went to bed.
How dare I not make lunch for his kids to take to school?
He cursed me and beat me up in the bedroom.
Then he dragged me out into the living room and continued to hit me.
He threw me against a cupboard.
And for what?
Because I didn't make sandwiches for his ex-wife’s kids!

One time I asked him, “Why did you marry me? So I could be your kids’ nanny?”
“So you’d be a servant to me, my kids, and my needs.”
“If I’m going to be a servant, I’d rather serve my sick mother.”
“I do this work for God’s sake,” I said, “I’m no one’s servant.”

What ultimately made me leave was when his son from his first wife tried to sexually assault me.
I got scared, because I knew if he attempted it again and I couldn’t stop him, my husband would never believe me.
He’d say it was my fault.

After I left my husband, I decided to look for a job.
I tried to find a job at a hospital, but they only needed nurses, and I’m no nurse.
I kept looking for a job but couldn’t find one.
Things were looking bleak.
“How old are you, ma’am? 36? Sorry, no can do.”
“Qualifications? Industrial secondary school diploma?”
They turn me away.
Neither my diploma nor my age are good enough.
What am I supposed to do then?
Why do they make it so hard to get a job?

I even stopped getting my alimony, because my husband quit his job.
I’m an idiot; I obeyed my husband when he told me to stay at home.
He said he’d provide for me while I continued my education.
“Hell no,” he said, after we got married, “Why should I give you anything?”
“You’re fed and watered. That’s all you need!”

Problem is, I want to get a job, but I can’t.
Who would I leave the boy with?
I wanted to go to university, major in media, and become a TV host.
I’d be able to give my son a good life then.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
My son and I constantly bicker.
I clean the apartment, and he tags along.
We splash one another with water, and we both get drenched.
I loosen up a bit, then.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't marry my husband
But then again, I think to myself, my son wouldn’t be here.