Don't Tell a Soul

The girl next door used to flirt with me when I was 6 years old.
I liked playing with her even though she was older than me.
I think she was 16 years old.
I used to play with her and her siblings.

My mother made me spend the day with this neighbor one time because she was home alone.
While we were playing together, she suddenly took off all her clothes.
“Come here,” she said.
“Take off your clothes.”

I refused.
“Fine. Touch my boobs,” she said.
I touched them for a second.
“Take off your clothes,” she repeated.
I refused.
“Don’t tell a soul,” she said.

I hit puberty a couple of years later, but she had moved by then.
Masturbation was a normal phase at that stage.
I used to fantasize about that incident every day.

I’m not doing well.
Psychologically that is, not sexually.
Why am I so afraid of having intercourse, even in a halal context?
I’ve been following this page for a year, but I was too scared to share my story.

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