I don’t know where to start

I’m 19 years old.
Men have traumatized me.
I am especially scared of sexual relationships.
I don’t know where to start;
My father? My sister? Or other people I knew?

My father was the first person to touch me.
I used to tell myself that I was imagining it.
When he’d touch me with his leg from behind,
I’d tell myself he was just being playful.
When I was young,
He used to try to show me his penis,
And touch my breasts.
A few days ago, he was sitting on a high chair behind me while we were eating,
And he pulled my underwear.
I got up because I was so scared.
I didn’t know what to do.

My sister would make me sleep with her, in every sense of the word.
I was traumatized,
And I hated life,
And I had a lot of issues
And I was afraid of sex.
That was until I started sleeping with anyone I met;
Over the phone, or in person.
For no reason,
Just blowing off some steam.
I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t traumatized.
Then I came to my senses,
And I knew that wasn’t the solution.

I cut off my hair,
Which used to be so long that it reached to my lower back,
And which my father used to run his hand through a lot.
When they couldn’t get what they wanted from me,
They beat me.
My dad used to burn me,
and torture me.
He’d pull my hair,
And beat me until I start bleeding.
I was always afraid of my sister.
I’d involuntarily cry whenever she touched me.

I’m afraid of all men.
I’m afraid of everyone.
Even the person I’m in a relationship with,
I’m considering breaking up with him,
Because it’s unfair to him.
I still get beat up until this day.
I instantly faint now whenever I start getting beaten.
I’m afraid of being alive.
I’m afraid of not being able to go on.
I’m afraid that my life would amount to nothing.
I’m writing this and I’m afraid of someone reading it.
I’m afraid of everything.

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