No Matter How Hard I Try

I don’t know where to start.
I’ll try to summarize the past 4 years.
I hope I make sense,
Because I’ve never talked about this before.

I’m extremely lonely.
I’ve never felt safe.
My family is well-off,
And we have everything we need.
But that’s not enough.
I’ve never felt safe with my family.
There are always problems and fights.

My mother and father live together,
But hate each other.
Not a single day goes by without a fight,
Like any normal household.
They fight every day,
Raise their voices,
Insult each other,
And hit each other.
They don’t care how we feel,
Or what the neighbors might say.
They’ve been fighting ever since I came into the world.
My mother tried to commit suicide before giving birth to my brother.
She was on the verge of dying.

I’m almost 23 years old,
And I’ve never experienced inner peace or serenity.
I’m trying to cope with that,
Especially since I’m the eldest sister,
And I’m the one who takes care of the house and my siblings,
When our mother leaves.
It’s been like this ever since I was little.
It doesn’t matter if I have exams.
The only important thing is to take care of my younger siblings,
And the house.
I also need to make them feel safe,
Because they’re too young to understand what’s going on.

My relatives from my mother and father’s sides are passive.
No one is trying to fix things between them,
Or find a solution.
They’ve tried, though.
They’ve been trying to fix things for 25 years,
But they gave up.
We’re personally tired of it.
My brother and I keep asking them to separate,
Because we’re tired.
But they won’t listen to us.

I wish they’d get divorced,
So this could end.
We keep expecting every fight to be the last one.
We don’t know when this nightmare will end.
I’m afraid of that scenario, though.
My brother and I don’t want to be selfish.
Our siblings are still too young,
And they need them.
They still don’t understand what’s going on.
I’m scared of staying like this,
And of the other option,
Even though it’s the best solution right now.
This is everything in a nutshell.

The other thing is,
I have a problem with my mother.
I neither love her,
Nor hate her.
I didn’t choose this.
She’s the cause of this.
She was never kind to me like all mothers are.
She loves my siblings,
And is very kind to them,
Especially my brother,
Because he’s the only boy,
And my other siblings are still young.
I don’t know why she treats me this way.
She’s been cruel to me ever since I was young.
I always wished that my feelings towards her would change,
And that maybe I was too hard on her,
And couldn’t understand her.
I remember once when I was in fifth grade,
She left us because of me.
I don’t remember the details of the situation,
But it left a mark on me,
And hurt me immensely.
It made me incapable of ever loving her.

She’s been trying to show a different side of herself,
Ever since people started criticizing her.
They could see how differently she treated me,
And how she favors my siblings.
She never showed any sympathy when I’d fall ill.
She never even noticed when I was ill.
It’s my father who’d find out,
And start a fight with her because of her negligence.

I was very ill 3 years ago.
I had a stomach ulcer,
But she didn’t care.
It was my father who stayed by my side during the surgery,
And took care of me during recovery.
I think after that incident,
She started to feel guilty,
Or a little sorry for me.
Because the doctor blamed them for my illness.
“It’s a result of the stress she’s under.”
She tries to act as if she cares,
And that she loves me,
But I could tell that it wasn’t sincere.
It’s more of an obligation.
I hate this kind of attention,
Because it’s not genuine.
People keep telling me to “let things slide,”
But I’m tired.

Then there’s another thing.
My father is hot-tempered,
And strict.
He likes to appear a certain way in front of people,
Which is why he’s very strict with us.
He doesn’t try to show any kindness,
Even though I know it’s there,
And I can feel it.
He immediately feels guilty,
If he treats me or my siblings badly.
He tries to fix things right away.
His biggest flaw is that he’s okay with insulting us in front of other people.
He loses his temper,
And shouts at us in front of everyone.
But despite all of this,
I love my father very much.
I don’t want anything bad to happen to him.
I really love him.
May God guide him to the right path.

As I said before,
I didn’t get into a top university like my father wanted.
I feel like I let him down.
I tried really hard.
I got a good score in 11th grade.
I was inches away from my dream,
But my score in 12th grade changed everything.
I was a few points away from Alsun University.
That broke me.
I still feel guilty.
My father tried to make it up to me,
But nothing worked.
I went to another university of his choice.
It was hell.
I don’t know how I got through it.
I just wanted to make him happy.

My father doesn’t want me to live alone.
He was completely against the idea of me leaving Aswan.
He was overprotective,
But I did as he wanted.
I graduated,
Then got the job he wanted for me.

All of this happened during the last 4 or 5 years.
My friends who made my life a little better,
Disappeared from my life for no reason.
It’s as if our 7-year long friendship meant nothing to them.

I’ve stopped having dreams.
I’m fated to live a hellish life.
I lose everything I get attached to.
Even he left me,
And went on with his life.

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