I am a mother now.
I didn’t realize how tired I’d be.
I didn’t know what the fear would be like.
Because mothers get scared.
When I was a child,
I didn’t know how scared my mother would get,
When dealing with a situation.
Or that she did certain things out of fear.
The kind of fear mothers experience is present 24/7.

Perhaps most of us before marriage,
Don’t really understand the impact our mothers have on us.
We don’t really appreciate it.
We don’t possess enough awareness to appreciate what they’ve done for us.
I used to get mad at her quite often,
Just like anyone who was in high school or college.
motherhood, parents

I have been suffering, even before I got married, from a disease in my uterus.
It prevents me from having children.
I underwent several operations in the hopes that, one day, I could be a mother.
The disease also induced other health-related problems.
Being sterile makes me feel like a second-rate woman.
motherhood, social pressure, social stigma

I was lost.
I was trying to figure things out.
Where did I go wrong?
The anger I had inside me for wasting years of my life was projected onto my poor son.
I wanted to be selfish.
I wanted to love myself.
I’ve been through enough.
motherhood, marriage, divorce

I got married to an old man I didn’t consent to marrying.
Of course, this is how it is in the country.
They act without taking a girl’s consent.
I felt sorry for myself because they married me off to an old man.
gender violence, marriage, divorce, motherhood

I work in the field of life coaching and training.
I’m not from Cairo.
I’m from Upper Egypt,
From Minya specifically.
I came here alone.
Meaning I left behind my family—
And I come from a big family—
And my job, life, and friends.
And I’m a sociable person,
And I like maintaining close relationships with people.
So, my family and friends mean the world to me.

I learned to love him over the years,
as I watched him become a human being:
learning to talk
and becoming stubborn, bright, artistic, and funny.

I spent 10 Eids and 10 holidays in prison.
The day before Eid makes everyone sad.
That was the case for the cell I was in.
Everyone would be sad from the day before Eid until the following morning.
prison, motherhood

I found out two years ago by pure chance that I had a tumor in my uterus.
“The position of the tumor is critical and we might have to remove the uterus,” the doctor said.
I was terrified.
It wasn’t that I was worried it would stop me from getting married.

I was originally a programmer.
Since graduation,
I’ve only worked for a year at a full-time job.
Then I decided to work as a freelancer,
So that when I get married,
I could work from home.
This is a relatively new work approach.
I didn’t need to sit at an office to get things done.
I could set my own hours,
Work in my pyjamas,
And deliver the work when I’m done.
motherhood, work