I’ve been told I’m fat ever since I can remember.
When I grew up, I learned that I wasn’t really fat or anything.
My lower body was fuller than my upper body.

It’s always been my goal to lose weight,
So I’d be beautiful,
And so I could get married.
I went on a diet during Thanaweya Amma,
But then I stopped,
So I gained weight again.
Then I went on a strict diet for almost 4 continuous years,
Until my mental health started deteriorating.
The thing is,
I reached a point where I lost a lot of weight,
But I couldn’t see it,
And I wanted to lose more.

When I went off the strict diet,
I gained the weight again,
And even more than before.
All I could see was how my weight was associated with my worth as a human being,
And how people looked at me.
Mama’s only concern was that I lose weight.
She believes it’s the main reason why I haven’t gotten married until now.

I travelled, and came back.
I noticed that people abroad aren’t like the people in our society,
Who only judge women based on their body size.
I tried to love myself and my body the way they are;
So I could be happy.
I hated how I looked,
And how my body looked in the mirror.
I always felt that it was something that needed to be hidden,
And stored away from people’s eyes.

For 30 years, I never had the courage to wear a dress,
Because it bothered mama that my lower body was partly visible,
Or because it didn’t fit my body shape,
And didn’t meet her beauty standards.
When I finally bought a dress,
I could feel that she was very upset I was wearing it.
She makes me feel ugly.

She brings up my weight all the time,
As a way of motivating me,
Or bugging me into losing weight.
We recently had a conversation about how she herself was fat,
And wanted to lose weight as well,
And how I never told her that she was fat,
Or annoyed her.
“I’m fat but I’m not gaining any more weight.
I’m not completely out of control,” she said.
She made me feel like a weirdo,
Which hurt.