The Memories Are Killing Me

I’ve been subjected to bad things ever since I was a child.
It started with the bullying I’d get at school,
Because of my thin body and dark skin.

Teachers wouldn’t choose me for performances or activities,
Because of how I looked.
But thank God,
After a while,
I found friends that made me feel better.
A lot better.

I was never shown any affection at home.
Mama, because of how she was raised,
Was a poor thing,
Who didn’t know how to express her emotions or her love.
She only knew how to feed us and tidy the house.
My siblings have always been emotionally distant,
Even though I try to get close to them.
But they never think to ask how I’m doing.

When I started to get older,
In middle school, for example,
I was blessed with a good sense of humor,
And a smiling face,
Which made people like me.
My family and people at school started liking me too.
But there was a teacher who used to tutor me at home,
Who really liked me.
He’d tell me I was smart all the time,
And that I had a bright future ahead of me.
He was a great guy,
Until he tried to kiss me.
I was afraid to speak up.
I was terrified.
I said nothing,
And he didn’t do it again.

My brother tried to molest me more than once.
I didn’t say anything.
I’d push him away,
But I stayed silent,
Till one day I threatened to tell.
He then kept his distance and started treating me better.
He also apologized.

But I hate him.
I stay away from him and hope he dies.

I now have a daughter,
Whom I would never leave with him alone.
I had a wonderful romance with my now husband.
He’s very kind and respectable.
A gentleman.
I never told him any of this,
And I never will.
I don’t want to be weak ever again.
But he’s no longer as affectionate with me,
And memories of the past are killing me.

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