Depression Since Childhood

Depression Since Childhood

I am the oldest daughter, and responsibility has been imposed on me ever since I was young for no other reason than because I’m the oldest,

And because my family sees this as normal and natural, so that they can spare themselves of the trouble.
I’ve had feelings of depression since I was small, and it clearly showed on me, but my family ignored this.
It started when I was in 8th grade after my third sister was born, and from the very first moment, I was forced to be her mother.
She even used to sleep in my arms when I had school early the next morning.
Every so often, I’d wake up to her crying, and I’d trying to quiet her.
Or I’d go to my mother’s room, which we weren’t allowed to sleep in because dad got tired of whining.

I used to wait for mama to nurse her so she could continue sleeping next to me.
At times, I tried to nurse her myself, so she would quiet down and I could sleep.
I used to bear the pain of trying to breastfeed her when I was still just a child.
It was a miserable year for me in every sense of the word.
I was asked to help out in the kitchen, and I’d be required to prepare food.
Of course, I couldn’t study, so I failed that year.
They were annoyed with me and said cruel things to me.
I shut myself off from the world and stopped speaking altogether, even though I was known for how much I spoke, my joy, my curiosity, and my inquisitiveness.
I couldn’t stop crying; I wished for death everyone moment of my life.
I thought about running away, but I was afraid of how people would see me and afraid of becoming prey to the unknown.

I would sleep the the entire time my family was awake, and I’d wake up when they all went to sleep, sitting alone, crying, and looking to the sky, praying for God to take my life and have mercy on me.
My features changed because of all of the crying and so did my voice.
I didn’t have any friends or hobbies.
My entire life was miserable.
My childhood and dreams died.
My goal became to feel the security and love I had never known in my family’s house.
My sadness and quietness exposed me to harassment from the closest people to me.
When mama learned about this from me, she punished me and insulted me in the worst possible ways.
I was exhausted and developed IBS when I was in 9th grade.
I didn’t know how to sleep, eat, or focus on anything.
My grades kept dropping until I failed.
And I was still burdened with so many responsibilities.

My depression wasn’t just a phase, unfortunately.
It eventually gave way to a more advanced and more horrible form of depression.
I am currently 40 years old, and I’m still depressed.
I’ve also contracted aging-associated diseases and untreatable diseases.
The doctors tell me I’m a rare case, that every disease usually develops on its own as a result of acute neural shock.
My body, however, developed them all at the same time and at a very young age too, which was strange.

Now, I act like I’m well and everything is fine.
It’s gotten to a point where my mind lies to me and blocks whatever’s upsetting me.
It’s as if my mind knows there’s no use in complaining.

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