I’ve been sexually harassed by my father.
I couldn’t tell anyone because I was just 18 years old, and I didn’t have a strong relationship with my mother.
Its effect on my self-image is still there. I wish I could take revenge against my father.

My father used to watch porn and masturbate on a regular basis.
I decided to block the porn channels on TV so he wouldn’t watch them.
I always thought my mother was the reason my father used to watch porn.
It made me hate my mother very much.

One time, when I was in the 10th grade, I arrived home and my father came home half an hour later.
He went to his room right away.
I was going to the kitchen to get a drink of water when I saw him in his room with his hand inside his blue pants.
He was masturbating.

I ran to my room and pretended to be asleep.
But he saw me.
He got out of bed to find out who had seen him.
We were 3 kids.
I remember that was the moment I stopped feeling safe at home.
That was the first time I got a panic attack. I still get them until this day.
My father would touch my breasts and my sister’s.
We thought he was just being playful, but that was in fact harassment.

My father was not kind-hearted or present in our lives.
He was a victim of an alcoholic father.
My father lived alone during his retirement.
None of his three children loved him or wanted to live with him.

I’ve been harassed by coworkers, teachers, and street vendors.
I was also harassed at college.
I didn’t know that this was considered violence until years later.
My father taught me that violence was love.
If my father was violent and harassed me, then that must’ve been the norm.
He was the standard by which I measured things.
The boys I loved were like him.
I liked their sexual violence and the way they used me.
Because I hated myself and loved my father.

Our culture teaches us to respect and obey our parents.
Even if they are monsters or inhumane.
Not every person that has children deserves to be called a “mother” or a “father.”
They don’t have children because they’re financially, emotionally, and mentally capable.
Or because they want a child to raise and love.
On the contrary, it’s because children provide them with unconditional love that would make up for everything.

In order to love myself and hate my father, I had to move out of the house and abandon my life, my country, and my friends.
I left Egypt and lived abroad.
I started to love myself and my body.
I decided not to fall for men who are like my father again.
Because they will only use me, like my father did.

Some of my friends don’t know they’re being abused.
I wish they would realize this and learn to love themselves.
I had 3,000 LE from my last paycheck when I moved out.
I moved out 3 years ago, and I have almost the same amount of money now.
The difference is that, now, I’m an independent person who loves herself.

The reason I keep bringing up money is because it’s the reason we keep living with harassers or rapists.
Those who have been abused fall behind at school or work because of lack of concentration or trouble retaining information.
I studied that on my journey to recovery.
I mean, it could be the reason why you find yourself frequently changing jobs, failing tests, or feeling alone and lost.
Your memory might fail you, but your gut never will.